By Brian Gotta, President of Supportive Parent

Sports parenting is a tricky thing. While I believe most people are inherently good, when they become parents and their children get into a competitive environment, it can bring out some less-then-desirable traits in all of us. While there are many types of bad sports parents, I’ve observed five main categories through the years. Have you ever slipped into any of these?

B-Rated
This is the classic, textbook nightmare parent. He (usually the dad) thinks it is his job to “get on” his kid either during the game, after, or both. What I’m describing goes beyond making comments about working or trying harder. This is the parent who turns his back on his child in disgust after a mistake saying, “That’s terrible!” This parent can’t wait for the car ride to yell at his child about his performance and say, “If you don’t want to be out there we can just call the coach right now and tell him.” The, ‘I’m paying too much’ or ‘My time is too valuable’ “to watch that,” guy. Fortunately, from my experience, this is also the rarest from of nightmare parent.

Rose-colored glasses
The other end of the spectrum is the parent who believes his or her child can do no wrong. He can’t stop talking about how special his kid is, the offers he’s getting, the new, better teams she’s considering going to. Sometimes it is overt, sometimes it is in the form of a seemingly innocent question such as, “How’s (your child) doing?” which is posed only as an excuse to then go on and talk about how great theirs is.

Activist
The activist is generally one who is disgruntled about the amount of playing time his or her child is getting. First they form coalitions, stirring up the discontent amongst the other parents whose children are also not getting the treatment they “deserve”. Generally in these situations the case is made that the coach is showing favoritism to some and not being fair. At the youth league level it is often said that the coach favors his child’s friends. At higher levels, many times the excuse given is that the coach is only playing the ones on his travel team. The activist tries to get enough like-minded support to go to the powers that be and have the coach removed. Since simply complaining about playing time isn’t a fireable offense, the charges are often trumped up to include bullying or some other form of mistreatment.

Behind-the-Back
These are parents willing to do whatever it takes to give their children an advantage, even if it hurts others. One time a coach of my son’s travel baseball team confided to me that a parent had approached him and said he thought we were really weak in the leadoff position of the batting order, (where my son had been slotted). Not surprisingly, he thought his son was better-suited there. So if the coach had listened to him, this dad would have been perfectly content to see my son suddenly on the bench and his kid in his place. It either would never have occurred to him that his meddling had adversely affected another youngster, or he wouldn’t have cared. The Behind-the-Back parent only knows about what’s best for him.

Loudmouth
The Loudmouth is probably the most common and may be the the category many of us fall into at times. The loudmouth, of course, argues calls with the officials from the stands. But he often also tries to help coach the team by making comments like, “We’ve got to pass!” or “We’ve got to make that play.” Even worse is when they pretend to be encouraging a player on their team by trying to rattle an opponent. They’ll say something like, “Just throw it straight down the middle. He hasn’t swung all game,” or “Get the rebound after she misses.” Ironically, if someone would ever stop the game and tell a Loudmouth they had been drafted into actually being the coach the rest of the game, my guess is they would turn beet red, sheepishly sit down and bite their tongue.

Of course there are many more types of “Nightmare” parents, but let’s dwell on the positives. There are also loads of “Dream” parents who come to the games, cheer for their children, their team, and maybe even show respect for players on the other team. This is the type of parent we should aspire to be. And looking in the mirror to see if we fall into any of the traps above is the first step in getting there.

Brian Gotta is a former professional recreational youth baseball coach and volunteer Little League coach and board member. He is President of Help Kids Play, a collection of companies whose mission is to further the development and enjoyment of youth sports.

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​More from the sage John Wooden:

Mr. Vince Lombardi is supposed to have said, “Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.” Well, if he said that, I disagree. I believe making the total effort is everything. And that’s all I ever wanted and all I ever asked from myself or my players.

It’s all you should ever ask for or expect. Understand that you won’t actually ever become the best of which you are capable. That’s perfection. We can’t obtain perfection as I understand it. But we can work, and work hard, toward obtaining it. If you do that…. you will never lose, in sports or in life.

For more brilliant wisdom from Wooden, pick up a copy of Wooden, with Steve Jamison, available at bookstores and Amazon.com.

Another delightful and thought-provoking column from Rick Reilly in case you missed it. Thankfully, we’re all still here to read it

This, below, is why we created Supportive Parent (www.supportiveparent.com)

This email came across our desk from a Little League President who needed board input on a disciplinary matter. It sounds like this Board of Directors has their act together…too bad some of the parents don’t.
Hello fellow board members,
There is a situation that has come up that requires immediate board attention. I will brief you all via this email, then at the end I have the proposed actions to be taken. Please vote for the action you deem situation appropriate. Please do so ASAP. Thanks.
Here is the situation…
On Saturday past at the Major Tiger vs Red Sox game, there was a bit of a scuffle during a play at home plate in the last inning of the game. There was a runner on third base, when the batter grounded the ball back to the pitcher and took off for first base, the third base runner proceeded home to score the run. As a fielder choice play, the pitcher threw the ball to the catcher (who according to all testimonies received) clearly had the bell in PLENTY of time to tag the runner out. The runner did not attempt to avoid a home plate collision by sliding or by stopping. Some testimony states he did indeed drop his shoulder into the play, where other testimony states that was not seen. Needless to say the umpire called the runner out at home for NO OTHER REASON other than he was clearly out by the tag.
However, when the runner came in he collided with the catcher and they both hit the ground. They were entangled when they fell. The catcher (who still had the ball IN HIS HAND) attempted to get up to throw the ball to the first baseman to get the runner out at first. Because the two (catcher and runner) were entangled from the collision, the catcher was unsuccessful in his attempt to get up with out then re tripping over the runner hence stepping on his chest that was proceeded by a minor kick with the cleat. All of the actions on the catcher’s part have been deemed ACCIDENTAL and NOT INTENTIONAL at all by the officials; however, the mother of the runner (steppee) charged the fence and began to scream and yell at the officials and the catcher. She was using excessive profanity toward the situation that escalated into several other parents jumping from the bleachers as well to chime in. A coach of the steppee was coaching third base and attempted to quiet the spectator (his own wife) as well as the manager of the catcher (stepper) came out of his dug out and shouted to the mother of the steppee to please watch her language and to please calm down as there are children present and her behavior is not acceptable.
There were two board members at the game that witnessed the entire event and they quickly stepped up and defused the situation and made attempts to talk to all parties involved, with the exception of the mother of the steppee. Immediately after the play was finished she went to the dugout, pulled her son from it and ripped his shirt off screaming at the catcher and the umpire that her son had in fact been intentionally stepped on and why weren’t they going to do anything about it. She then left the field with the steppee.
The two board members never did get a chance to talk to the mother of the steppee. They did, however, talk to the home plate umpire who deemed the incident an accident. I also have received a letter of complaint from parent of the stepper, expressing her disapproval of the way the incident was (or rather was not) handled at the time it took place by all parties involved.
A meeting was held last night which included myself, the manager of both teams, the player agent, (one of the board members present & witness to the event), and the Umpire in Chief. At this meeting we discussed the situation in depth and we also came to the determination that the situation A) could have been handled differently by all parties involved B) the manager’s are going to be talking to the players involved to make sure that this is behind them.
Which brings me to the purpose of the email. The mother of the player was clearly upset at the fact her son had been stepped on and was also, looked to be, stepped on. However, her actions at the field and the profanity used by her even after she was asked by the coach (her husband), the opposing manager, and the board member present is a DIRECT VIOLATION of our “Parent Code of Conduct” which warrants disciplinary action be taken on our part as a board.
I believe the action necessary for such behavior is for the parent to be suspended from attending the next game, which is this upcoming Thursday evening.
Here’s where the vote comes in…
A) Do we want to suspend her from the next game?
OR
B) Do we want to suspend her until she can come before the board for disciplinary review?
Please get back to me ASAP with your vote…option A or option B so we can notify the parent in plenty of time.
Thanks for your immediate attention and response regarding this matter.

By Brian Gotta, President of Upstart Sports

If you’ve volunteered, (or have been volunteered), to coach a team of young players, there are a few techniques you can employ that may make your practice sessions more productive and enjoyable. Coaching kids this age doesn’t have to be glorified baby-sitting, if you take the proper approach.
1. Choosing Your Words
There are many coaches who seem to have difficulty bringing themselves down to their players’ levels. Have you ever watched someone give a speech and realized no one in the audience was listening? Yet the speaker continued to drone on, reading from notes, either oblivious to or not caring about the reaction. Many coaches tend to do the same thing, unaware that their intended message is not getting through. With very young players, a sure way to miss your mark is by choosing words that you believe are universally understood, but which the youngsters don’t get. I was once helping a fellow out coaching girls 6U softball and he kept hollering at one player to “cover first!” He was getting increasingly frustrated that she wouldn’t do it. I approached her quietly and asked her if she knew what “cover first” meant. She meekly shook her head, “no.” I explained that it meant to stand with one foot on the base and try to catch the ball if it was thrown to her. Now she understood. Examples in other sports might be telling players in soccer to “Mark,” a player or “Play” or “Cross” the ball – all common soccer terms, but “Guard” or “Pass” or even “Kick” may be more at their level. Basketball players around kindergarten age might not know what the “Baseline” or the “Elbow” are.
2. Use Humor
Very often, coaches, (who are respected members of their communities), feel awkward trying out jokes and silly humor for fear they’ll look silly. But little kids love it. When choosing teams, naming one the Wiggling Worms and another the Creepy Spiders might seem lame, but it conveys the important message to your players that you’re not taking this too seriously and that fun is encouraged.
3. But Mean Business
Kids will know immediately if they can walk all over you. They’ll test your boundaries and the more you let them get away with, the more practice will disintegrate into nothing more than day-care. This doesn’t mean you have to yell and reduce them to tears, but if you’re having fun, joking around and then have to get serious and say to a child, “Hey, come on now. You want to keep practicing with the rest of us don’t you?,” you’ll usually see them shape up in a hurry. And, if there does need to be an occasional “time out” for a player, so be it. He won’t spend too much time watching the rest of the team have fun before he’s out with you on his best behavior making sure he gets to be included.
4. Play Games
Make everything you do a competition. Divide the team into smaller teams. Which team can catch the most fly-balls in two minutes? Which team can pass the ball to each other the most times? If you were running a kid’s birthday party and you had 45 minutes to entertain them on the field before cake and ice cream, you wouldn’t force them all to stand around while you demonstrated techniques or took players one-by-one through boring drills? You’d have a distance-throw competition, see who could kick it the farthest, races down and back with the ball, etc. Many of those same principles come in handy when you’re trying to make an hour-long practice with energetic 6 year-olds fly by too.
When it’s not going well, that 60-90 minute practice can seem like an eternity. But when it’s done right, there is nothing more satisfying than running a great practice for little ones, and having them beg to stay a little longer when time’s up.

By Brian Gotta, President of Upstart Sports

It’s bound to happen. Your son or daughter’s favorite players are discovered to be among the many who have done performance-enhancing drugs. Or, it could be they’re a cheater of a different kind – in their marriage. Perhaps they’ve joined the ignominious list of athletes who’ve been arrested for DUI, battery or other crimes. When the “heroes” our children look up to fall from grace before our eyes, what should we tell them?

According to Marianne Engle, Ph.D., Clinical Assistant Professor of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at NYU, “Parents should help children understand that reaching star level takes a combination of extraordinary physical ability, strong ambition, good opportunities, luck and back-breaking hard work. Very few achieve this degree of prominence,” she says, “And the process doesn’t guarantee that the athlete has developed an admirable character, moral values or strategies to deal with stress. So when talking about the particular athlete, make sure to separate sports ability from character.”

In other words, sure, they can do a windmill jam, hit the ball 500 feet or make the most amazing goal you’ve ever seen, and we can all admire what they do on the field. But leave the admiration there. Remember that off the field, they’re simply people, not unlike the rest of us, who sometimes make mistakes. In every walk of life there are good people who follow rules and abide by the law, and there are others who don’t. The biggest difference being that when sports stars do something wrong, we’ll find out about it on the news.

It would be nice to believe that we could be careful when choosing the athletes our children idolize, so as to minimize the potential for disappointment. But as we’ve all learned in the past several years, even some who most seemed to have it all together have stumbled.

Unfortunately, it appears that the best course of action is to set a child’s expectation low. There have been times I’ve watched interviews of our family’s favorite players, and they came off as articulate, humble and well-intentioned. Yet I would remind my admiring kids that just because they seem like great guys in a 30-second interview doesn’t necessarily mean they are in private.

It is also important to share stories of “real” heroes to ensure that our children have the proper perspective. Two of my teenage sons recently got hooked on the “Band of Brothers” series on A &E. It was easy to point out the magnitude of what these those young soldiers did during World War II, compared to the guys they watch on Sportscenter.

So the best course of action may be preemptive. Don’t wait until your child’s idols let you down and then try to help them understand why – but rather impress upon them early that while we can cheer for athletes to help our team win, we don’t know if they’re of strong character. We can hope they are, but not depend on it.

The toughest thing to explain is how athletes can take part in unethical and illegal activities, and still live a life of wealth and opulence. How can we convince our kids what a player did really was a mistake when the next story we hear is about the multimillion dollar contract extension he just signed?

I guess it comes down to hoping our kids understand that while money and fame may be nice, there is more satisfaction in knowing you lived your life without resorting to cheating, lying, or hurting others to achieve your goals. It is about how you’ll be remembered by others and maybe more importantly, how you’ll feel about yourself.

Or, as the elegant, early 20th century sportswriter Grantland Rice wrote:
For when the One Great Scorer comes
To write against your name,
He marks-not that you won or lost-
But how you played the game.

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